Musing 45
I was a site admin for a Reformed Singles site for about 5 years (stopping in 2019). During that time, I saw a LOT of things that, combined with my own experiences in college and as a single man in his 20s, gave me a weird pulse on things.
Some observations (remember, these are all from seeing professing, Reformed believers interact)
- we are a diverse bunch
While diversity is a bad word for many, the simple reality is that even for a relatively niche group, we have a wild variety of people in our group. There is definitely validity of the stereotype of Reformed people being a bunch of nerds, but there are also a ton of people who more closely fit into the jock stereotype than you think.
- we are a picky group
Because there is much validity in the stereotype of us Reformed folk being a bunch of theology nerds, that lead to certain expectations among both the men and women. Oftentimes, the women expected someone who was well-read and could regularly hold in depth conversations on any particular point of theology, and when that expectation wasn’t met, would signal the early demise of a guy’s chances with her.
Similarly, many Reformed guys wanted someone who was more interested in either being a trad wife or who wanted at most a part time job after once the empty nest phase of life arrived. And would similarly end a relationship if there were misaligned expectations.
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with being picky, especially on bigger questions of life’s practical matters. I’m merely noting the pattern.
- we are often uncompromising.
Perhaps because even those less inclined to debate theology had felt the sting of caricatures of Reformed theology, we all tended to be very uncompromising on anything, as we’d been conditioned to have to be firm on what we actually believed.
Which made for quite a few discussions that likely went on longer than was necessary to the point where only heat was generated, not light. And I’ll be the first to admit that I participated in more than a few such conversations.
- we participate in many of the same bad habits as our non-Reformed brothers and the world when it comes to dating.
One of the things that stood out quickly was that the men tended to skew older when they first joined, while the women tended to join even as early as their late teens.
I think this is where we share a bad habit with the world at large – we tell young men especially to get their lives in order before looking for a wife. And so they do. They go to college, possibly graduate school or other post-college schooling, then get somewhat stable in their career (though in 2026, who knows what that looks like now?) all before really putting effort into making a family.
By contrast, the women all had a fairly uniform story - they were encouraged to get educated to help build discernment, have doors open to them should the need be there, or to help support a future husband. More than once, I heard the sentiment “I went to college to get my Mrs”. So when they reached a marriable age, the women would immediately start making every effort to find a husband, being very willing to use online resources when possible.
This mismatch in how the men and women in the 2010s were raised is I think, points to one of the contributing factors to why there is such a singles crisis at this point in America. We told boys and girls different timelines for when it’s appropriate to marry. And so they prepared at different times. To be clear, many Christian men and women did and still do marry in college or shortly thereafter and have great marriages. But for those who don’t, I think these things I’ve outlined show us patterns that should be mindful of and probably proactively correct.